Soundless Screams
by Pallarel Studios
Summary: The thoughts of one Shinji Ikari as he questions the choices given to him. Takes place in Unit One when he's holding Kaworu.


Hey. I was trying to get the mood of the Episode Instrumentality in here, and the confusion that goes with that, so when you read this and think 'What the hell was this guy on?', it WAS planned that way. Indeed, after rereading it... I'm pretty stumped myself.

By the way, this takes place inside Eva 01 during the minute-and-a-half we enjoy the image of Eva 01 holding Kaworu. 

I own Evangelion! Sue me! No, not really. 

**Soundless Screams**

**by DorianGray**

_This boy wishes for death._

_ Can the other boy accept that wish?_

_ The last angel would be no more._

_ Yet, Shinji Ikari, the Earth's saviour, would be filled with anguish._

_ Why will you kill him?_

Silence.

_ Why will you kill him?_

Silence.

_ Why will you kill him?_

Silence.

_ Why will you kill him?_

Silence.

_ Why will you kill him?_

"There is no other choice!" Shinji Ikari screamed. 

_ Why will you kill him?_

"He's an angel! Kaworu is an angel!" 

_ Why will you kill him?_

"I have to! Kaworu is an angel! He's one of the enemy!" 

_ Even though he is human as well?_

"He isn't! He's an angel!" 

Rei appeared in front of him. 

"Ayanami?" 

Her tone was cold, harsh. "Even though he is as human as me?" 

"No!" Shinji screamed. "Kaworu is an angel!" 

"Is that the only reason?" 

"If I don't do it he'll destroy us all! Isn't that enough?" 

"Is that the only reason?" 

"He betrayed my trust! He betrayed my feelings!" 

Rei's look was contemptous. "So you'll destroy him because he betrayed your feelings." 

"That's not true!" 

"Isn't it? Someone gets close to you, and when you find they have the power to hurt you, you push them away." 

"Asuka?" Shinji recognised. 

"You're just afraid that someone will hurt you, nothing more." 

"That... could be true..." 

** FEAR**

"You fear others. You fear that if you get close to them, they'll hurt you. This leads to fear of contact. Indeed, if you look at it from the source, this all stems from your fear of pain." 

"If you deny the loneliness that every human feels in the depths of their soul, then you can never feel the pleasure of being with someone, talking with someone, simply being in the presence of another." 

"In an attempt to seal yourself off from the world, you have tried to make yourself ignorant of your own feelings. You say you seek happiness, but you invariably search for despair." 

"What?" 

"You think you only experience suffering. You never think that you're happy. This is not because you never experience happiness. It's because you can't tell the difference." 

Shinji was standing. Surrounding him was fog, blocking everything out. Dimly, he could tell apart...vines? Huge vines along the ground, as wide as himself, cruel thorns sticking from them. 

"What the hell is this?" 

In the distance, he could hear someone moving. Spinning to face this unknown threat, the fog cleared enough for him to get a glimpse of the person beyond. 

"K...Kaworu?' 

"This is the universe." 

"Kaworu? I... I don't understand, Kaworu." 

"This is a physical representation of the universe. You are bound in this place, blinded by your own beliefs and thoughts, locked in by your own barriers, ignorant of what is happening beyond." 

"...so this is the universe. And I can't see beyond my own limits." 

"Yes." 

Shinji lowered his hand from his chest. "And... what is this feeling?" 

"The truth." Kaworu smiled. "The knowledge that you could dedicate your life to your people, destroying or creating or what you will, and it means nothing. You could devote every molecule of your being to a task, and, to the universe, it means nothing. The events of a few billion stupid creatures on a small rock orbiting an average star is of no consequence to the universe." 

"But... Evangelion..." 

"...means nothing," Kaworu finished. "In spite of all your achievements, when the Lilim culture ceases to exist, nothing will care." 

"...show me the universe." 

"No." Kaworu wasn't surprised by the other boy's request. "All Lilim need this fog blocking their sight. The Lilim are not ready to see the truth." 

"I thought of that, but... I need to know for myself." 

Kaworu nodded. "Perhaps you do." Then, with a great flourish of his arm, the fog was lifted. "And this is it!" 

At that one instant, Shinji saw everything. He stood on top of all creation, seeing everything and everywhere that ever existed in one terrible glimpse. And in that... 

...he saw himself. 

Shinji screamed. 

And screamed. 

And screamed.

His hand twitched.


End file.
